I'm still up... And I have to work tonight.. School today was so-so! At work this morning, Dick questioned my ability to know if I should cone off a pump or not.. If a pump doesn't work, I think I should be able to cone it off w/o calling him up at 330am and asking him.. If it doesn't pump out diesel i assume it doesn't work.. I had TWO people complain about that pump last night so after the 2nd one I decided to just cone it off, well he was mad this morning that THREE of the precious pumps were coned off.. He thinks that the 3-11 shift can do no wrong, but do I have news for him.. THEY DO! They Never do any of their work, they are lazy, & bitchy. One night I am going to leave that place the way they left it just so Dick can see it in the morning.. This morning I wanted to double check the time I asked off so I could see Dustin, and he's like oh you mean you are going to be here that long, Ooopsie, that means stamart called them! My baD! I feel bad, but I don't plan on working there much longer. I want to quit and only work part time at the pool this summer and I'll find a new job next fall..

OK my mind is wandering big time I'm trying to do chemistry, considering I have a test on Thursday and I know nothing, but I am going to study all day Wednesday. Today at school I saw the "X" I wasn't sure at first if it was him and I didn't dare double take cause well, he could have seen me do that. Yet when I saw him I had these rush of emotions, I can't explain them. When I saw the "X" I instantly thought of the past, is this normal? Should I password this entry? Because of its content? I don't want to freak the "X" out and I don't want Dustin to get mad at me.. I just want my life to go like it has. There is a good poem that I found on the net at lovingyou.com it reminds me of the "X"

What is it about you�

That keeps you in my thoughts�

I do not see you�

I do not hear you�

I do not talk to you�

But your always on my mind.

Is it the sunrise each morning?

The roses on my desk?

The thoughts of your smile?

Your warm touch?

Your loving arms?

Your soft sexy voice?

Or the sunsets

that were meant for us to share?

Our relationship crashed

before it ever got started�

Yet my thoughts have lasted longer

than I have known you�

We have moved on with our lives�

We shared harsh words, broken hearts

and many tears�

Yet my heart still pounds�

At the slightest sound of your voice�

Your name on a computer screen�

Your telephone number on my phone�

Or just simple thoughts of you.

What is it about you

that keeps you in my thoughts�

Day in and day out..

Yet keeps me afraid to call, email

or offer a simple hello.

So tell me, what is it about you???

Please tell me,

I would really like to know!!!

I have no idea why I still think about these things. I don't love him anymore, Yes I care about him,only because of our past. Wait, do we really even have a past?!?! I'm confused! but there is no "in love" feeling there anymore. Want to know something weird, as I was writing this he text messaged me and said you can't say hi at school.. Then I replied back "you can't say hi either?" he never responded back, but I figured he wouldn't! Don't get me wrong, I love Dustin, W/All of my heart, but I always still wonder what if. I Mean its so weird seeing the "X" b/c we hardly see each other, once every few months. I think we both have a little chemistry left for each other, maybe I am wrong to assume this, but Does that make sense? It probably doesn't. I have been w/Dustin for seven months and he is one of the most Important people in my life. I don't know what my life would be like if it was for him. We all have to sacrifice things we love once in a while and I have been doing that for seven months now. Paying extremely high phone bills, sending cards everyday, going there as often as I can with work and school, him only being able to come home once every 4-6 months. This is definitely some kind of test, but we both seem to be passing this test very well. I think if our relationship can make it through this, we can make it through anything. We need to always trust each other, b/c w/us being 1263 miles apart we need to believe what each other says. Honest communication is the key to a lasting relationship and I want my relationship to last a lifetime w/Dustin.

One of my good friends Chad is another typical guy, yet he portrays a "nice guy" he goes to this girls house and he just wants sex from her.. he can't even stand this girl. So he says to me, I don't know if its true, but he says it all the time.. Oooo Amy is annoying, I can't stand to be w/her for so long, She parties too much, She does this she does that.. Well, Zim if you don't like her you probably should STOP leading her on..

I got Dustins Valentines Card Yesterday they are so cute, every time I read them I smile.. I love everything about him: his personality, his cute smile, undivided attention he gives me, his mini obsession w/greeting cards, the way he kisses me in the morning, the way he holds my hand while we are driving, & the way he "pretends" to like Mark Martin b/c I like him ... this list could go on forever!

I seem to be getting in a lot of thinking moods lately, not that often but when I do I think about everything....From the littlest things like am I going to get my financial aid done to big things like my dad. I wonder if he thinks about me, or I wonder if he ever thinks" what if" what if he wasn't an alcoholic, drug user, who would have kept a decent job, and not cheated on my mother? How would that have affected our lives? No, I don't regret how my life has turned out so far, because my mother has been the Worldest greatest.

People often think I am weird, but I think I'm gifted =) Seriously though, NO ONE will ever be me, they can try all they want. You need to be happy w/who you are a person, if you accomplish that then life is so much easier. Remember your life is no rough draft, this is the masterpiece, so make sure your happy with it. We need to stop living our lives through others. Don't do something b/c you think other people will like you, do it for yourself.. Okay now that I'm done preaching or rambling whichever it is. I am going to go mail dustins Valentine's Day gift I didn't get a chance to mail it yesterday... I just took this quiz I found the results rather interesting!
narcissistic

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