I really dont want to be alone right now. Yet, Troy has not called me today. I am tempted to call nick and ask him to come and sit with me. I'm not at my apartment-I am at my moms house, but everyone is in bed.

I should explain the fourth of july to everyone, well I did NOT win the bikini contest, but I came in second which is okay with me, but I for sure thought me and my sis had this thing won. I have pictures, but once I get done dealing with every thing that has been going on I will scan them. Well, me and troy seemed to hit it off, he bought my drinks all night long, I wanted to buy my own, but he didn't let me.. I got pretty drunk, and then we danced, and we had a blast, I didnt do anything but make out with him, because I do not want to rush things. He stayed the night at my apartment that night and we slept together in the same bed with out sex, that is always good. I think that is a good thing we you can sleep next to someone with out having sex. Then yesterday we went bike riding in itasca state park, which I thought was good, but who knows, maybe he does have a bit of baggage that I am not use to, an ex wife, a kid, something I am definately not use to. Yet he has not called me today, the day when I don't want to be alone.

The day I found out my uncle is dead, I will never see him again, he will never see his daughter again, he won't watch her grow up, he saved jesse if he wouldn't have been swimming my uncle would still be here. If only they never went to that fucking state park. Why did they have to rent that damn boat????? They are doing an autopsy on him, so I guess we will know for sure what happened to him. He had no life insurance, nothing. So the family has to pay for his funeral. My mom, steph and grandma are not handling this very well. Losing my other uncle only 11 months ago and now Rodney. Who would have thought. OMG this makes me think way too much, I know I'm not sleeping tonight. I'm sooo scared to die. Having this happened makes me want to forgive my father. I mean life can be so short, just look at both of my uncles both of them were young. Rodney was just 32, Doug was 46. I don't know I am confused. All I know is I am going to do things differently. Ugh I'm tired and I don't feel good. My stomach hurts.

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