October 17, 2003 - 11:07 p.m.

Challenges.....

I really should do an entry I know this, but lately Ihave been feeling like shit. I do not know why. I am thinking about way toooo many things. Like I haven't hung out with shawn forever. I have no idea where that is going. Why do I always let the littlest things bother, so I just push people away, I have always been like. For as long as I can remember. I have been the type where I just keep things to myself. My own personal business is my own personal business, then when I started opening up to nick, lets just use him as an example, cause I told him things about my family life that I normally wouldnt just tell anyone. The only guy who knows my whole personal life is Dustin. I miss him sooo much, I think about him everyday. Its been FOREVER since we broke up. God, its been 6 months, I know its time to stop, but why was he the only guy that I was able to open up with on a relationship basis and be my best friend? Why is it that I could tell him everything and I didn't care that he knew. UGH!

So who knows, I'm gonna call shawn tomorrow. See if he wants to hang out just the two of us, before I go to work.. I feel like, since I date guys, for a short while, that I have to do that with everyguy, but I know that I do not have too! I just feel like if I stay with a guy for a long time, that Its going to end up like dustin. I do not want to have any relationship end the way me and dustin ended things. I am so afarid of getting hurt, I would much rather hurt the guy, sounds selfish- I know, but I am looking out for myself. Otherwise who's going to? I have come to realize this with in the past few days, laying at home sick in bed. With nick , the only reason I wanted nick is because I couldn't have nick, thats what his appeal was. He was a challenge, and I couldn't get it. It pissed me off. So I tried and tried to get that challenge, thats how I look at guys, that is how I view them. They are all challenges that I can win. Well, besides nick, but EVERY other guy that I have went for, I got him. Sounds conceited, but I have no idea why I work like that, but with Shawn, I am going to try sooooo hard to make this different. I think shawn reads this which is okay, Cause I want him to know that I like hanging out with, I have fun, we have fun together, so I want to continue to hang out with this guy.

I suppose I better get back to work. I am only on supper break...



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