January 31, 2004 - 5:53 p.m.

I'm going crazy

I suppose I better do an entry before Chris gets to work... I did not get any sleep last night, I was stuck at work until 230. Which sucks because I don't get paid to be here after 2.. By the time I get home, I was in that stage of sleep where you can hear things but you don't know if its real, well my phone was ringing, I was like what the fuck.. I didn't know the time but it was Dustin calling me, he called me earlier in the night, and I actually answered my phone, scary huh... He's like why haven't you called me back, I'm like I have been extremely busy with everything, he's like see what breaking up with me did to you! I couldn't help but laugh it was funny, Well he's like call me when you get done with work so I called him, I didn't think he would actually call me back, but he did at 3:41 this morning. I answered my phone and he asked me if I was sleeping and I said No, but I was.. I really don't remember what we talked about, but finally I said I'm going to bed I'm tired.. He's like I'll call ya later today, I doubt he will, but will see I guess. I really don't know what to say to him.

He hasn't mentioned the card, he hasn't mentioned the email. I just feel weird actually talking to him.. I shouldn't feel this way should I? I have been feeling "blue" this week over this whole situation because I don't know what feelings I have for him anymore.. I mean I love this guy, but in all honestly I don't think he's worth all of this fuss, I have a tendency to not let the past go, I have a tendency to dwell on it for a while, and I know I would be the type of person to say "well you did this in the past how do I know you won't do it to me again" type shit.. Like one time he was an hour late picking me up at the airport, I will never forget that, I was scared shitless there, because it was the first time I ever went to Idaho to see him.. Just little stuff like that and you know what he slept with my best friend before we started dating at a party.. Nice Huh????? So I think its finally time, that we just let this go I think that would be for the best. Of course, I still have feelings for Dustin, because he was the only guy I ever trusted with everything about me, and he loved me still. I know I won't be able to open up to another guy the same as I have done with him, but that will take time and I guess I have all the time in the world, when "Mr.Right" comes by again.

Last night Tab,Brady,Riley and Steph slept over at the apartment. It was supposed to snow more than what it did, so they didn't want to get stuck at home. Well, this morning I was already crabby the way it was and I saw Zim and Suzy walk in the door and I instantly got pissed. I am sick of seeing her at the apartment EVERYDAY. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have to MOAN and SCREAM loud during sex, but that just pisses me off to begin with, you can enjoy sex quietly especially if roommates are home, and neither one of them respect that and that pisses me off.. So this morning, I was a little rude and I said I EXPECT you guys to be quite and Zims like we're not even going to do anything, so I'm like last time there was a little kid in the house you guys didn't care... So ya I'm sure that pissed him off, but I'm pissed that I see her there all the time.... She has a home, I can't help it you feel like you're walking on egg shells there, I'm getting sick of living in my apartment because of it... She has definitely wore out her welcome at the house, at least in my part.. She needs to take a break... Whenever she isn't at work, she is there.. Its driving me nuts. I think I'm gonna have to stay at my moms for a few weeks...

I suppose this entry is getting a bit long and I have to clean up the store...



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