So I am offically doing an Idaho entry and the events that lead me to coming home.

When I first got there, I couldn't be happier to see him. He looked oh so hot I saw him and my heart melted and I got the jitter feeling in my stomach I have this feeling as I am typing this He was outside waiting for me {I found the house all by myself, I was proud} with jager. The first day I got there we unloaded my car and we sat around for a bit, we had awesome sex, then we decided to go out to the bar. The first day went well, but after the first day things went down hill.. I will type as much as my mind will let me remember.

The 2nd night there, he did a few things with his friends, he told me that he was going to his friend Zach's house, but didnt ask me to come along, I didnt really wanna go, but the thought of having him ask me to go would have been nice and I really wanted him to stay home with me, since I did just drive 1200 miles to see him. Well he stayed out until 4 a.m. that morning and didnt call me or anything. I called him at 4 a.m. and he picked up the phone and hung up. I texted him, no response. I finally called him again and told him that if he wasnt home in 20 minutes that I was going home. We didnt have a good day. He thought I was in the wrong to get mad at him. I don't think I was in the wrong... He had THREE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKS to spend time with his friends before I got there, is it too much to ask for him to want to stay home with his girlfriend????

He went out a lot and after I told him that him not asking me to go out with him made me mad he started asking me if I wanted to go out. Well another night, I dont remember which one he went out he told me that he was going out for 20 minutes.. I told him that if he wasn't home in 20 minutes that I would go home... I always used this line, because I dont know why. I thought he would care if I actually came home.. Obviously he didnt. Here I thought things were going to be different he was home in 20 minutes like he said. He told me that he wasn't going to cheat on me.. YADA YADA YADA and that I needed to trust him. I half assed trust him, because hell his friends know that he has a girlfriend and hell he lives with me. So I thought I could trust him. Don't get me wrong, we had a lot of great times.. Laying on the couch not making it through the movies because we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, Endless hours of sex. One night we had such great sex that both of us were dripping sweat and I layed on top of him for an hour afterwards just sitting there because we couldn't move. He always told me that he was glad that I moved out there and etc, but he really didnt show me that much. I am all about the little things.. The little things matter most in a relationship..

Last week was the final straw, maybe I gave up, maybe I nagged too much, maybe I should have trusted him more, Maybe I should have just stuck things out and stayed in Idaho, but I am 22 years old. I refuse to settle with someone who doesn't deserve me.

Last tuesday, he told me he was going to laundray at Zach's again he didnt ask if I wanted to come, which I really didnt so that time it didnt bother me, I asked him when he would be home he said in 20-30 minutes and he was home... He came home and asked me if I wanted to go to the bar, I said sure because we hadn't been out as a "couple" since the first night when I got there, so I wanted to compromise in our relationship, well we get to the bar and his friend said to him "Oh, so you decided to come back?" I heard it. Dustin gave his friend the look that says "Shut the fuck up my girlfriend is standing here look" So I asked him what was up... He said he stopped up there. I'm like why didnt you tell me this.. He said what do I have to tell you everything I do? He went on to telling me EVERYWHERE he stopped that day being a smart ass. Im like no, but when you lie to me thats when I start caring. I told him that I am just ready to give up. I cant handle this type of relationship. So I'm like after this beer I wanna go home. He promised me earlier in the night that we would go HOME TOGETHER by 11pm. Well he didnt wanna go home, he said that I had pissed him off and that he wanted to get drunk. I was like NO you are coming home with me. He didn't come home with me and to shorten it up, with out making him sound like more of an ass he made me walk home from the bar, and I had no Idea where I was. I almost had an anxiety attack outside of the bar, I had No clue where I was, I had NO idea how to get home. Nothing. Do you think he came outside and saw if I knew how to get home? No! I had to wait at the News place for my friend Mat to get home and get me.

We didnt talk the next few days and the next night after the bar he didnt come home til 3 a.m. so I wrote him a letter telling him that I was coming home and you know what he did? NOTHING! He stayed up til 5 a.m. texting probably sugga momma and my bitch in his phone. Another story. Quick tell you about that. Well one day I was looking through his phone he has A LOT of girls in his phone, programmed as odd names, like sugga momma and my bitch. You know what he has his girlfriend programmed as? H.M. THATS HOW AI WAS programmed in his phone!!!!! I never questioned him on that..

I just don't understand his whole motive of me being there, I have most of our emails here dear-dustin If he didnt really want me there why couldn't he just save me the time, the money and the heartache? I invested a lot of time money and heart into this whole situation. I honestly thought we were in it for the long haul. The first few days I got there we talked about getting married, again. He leaves for Japan In May 2005 and he said to me, you know the only way you can come with me is if we get married. Im like I dont know whats going to happen by then. He told me that last time I broke up with him, that he had my engagement ring and everything. So of course I looked all over the house for his Kay Jewelerz bill, didnt find it. He said that he could see himself with me.. YADA yada. ITS REALLY ALL CONFUSING.

He hasn't tried to contact me since the day I left he called me twice (didnt answer them) and he texted me at 11pm that night asking me where I was. He saw me pack all my shit, he even offered to help me take my desk down. Where the fuck does he think I am????

So yeah enough about that. The drive was LONG and shitty. I cried half the way and the other half I was in shock that he actually let me just walk out of his life like that........ It makes me sad/mad/angry/hurt/betrayed/ I just hasn't sank in yet. No matter who I end up with in life, I will always love Dustin. He is my first real boyfriend Infact there have only been two guys in my life that I can't imangine not being in my life and they are Dustin and Jason. I love both of these guys for different reasons. I love dustin. I love the way he made me feel when we were together, when we didnt fight. Ugh! Im stopping.

So the exact same night I got back, you know what I did? I went and got drunk. I got EXTREMELY DRUNK Thank you brady for taking me out. I LOVE YA MAN! I owe you for a lot ;) Read here iluvxtina for more details on that situation. ITS AWESOME! Its odd. I dont know what to say... besides read there. ENOUGH SAID.

I suppose I have to get to bed. I have an eye appointment in the morning..

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