What the fuck am I doing? Really. Do I Really want to get into a relationship with TC. Tonight him and I went out for coffee after I was done with work at 2, and It felt comfortable like I could maybe open up to a new guy and have a relationship. Im scared. It scares the SHIT out of me, I mean I have seriously only dated one person, being a serious relationhip, which is dustin. Of Course, J and I had relations but honestly thats all it ever was, I mean I got attached to him and yeah I loved him, but we didnt really date. I just always knew that he was comfortable that I could be myself around him, and yet he'd still be there, but he can't make me happy, because like chickpea981 stated early today, men dont do what they say they are going to do, and well hes pretty fuckin good at doing that.. Anyways this entry isn't about J, its about TC.

Tonight he told me that Im scared to let someone care for me? God is that the truth? Somehow I believe it, I am scared to let someone care for me, I always point out the flaws I have in a relationship, but tonight after talkin with him, he seems like those flaws are nothing, he said he could deal with that, I mean honestly can someone deal with my fucked up mind?

I have never loved/cared/dated/slept with anyone that I cared/loved more than dustin. He will always have my heart, and Im scared. I ADMIT IT Im scared. I dont want my heart broken, I would much rather, just have the booty calls I have now then get my heart broken in a relationship! Is that being a whorish? I dont know. I am confused tonight, I wanted him to come home with me and I want to make out with him, and I wanted him to hold me(god forbid, I just said that), but I think I could get use to a relationship. I have myself psyched up to being 40 and not married, that why get my hopes up right? I mean what guy could possibly be interested in me?(5% where I'm unsure of myself) I mean, tonight my stomach did flip flops, I haven't had that since dustin. Im scared. I dont want anyone to take Dustins place.

Life is hectic,confusing,fucked up at the moment that I dont know what to do.

Wow, two entries in two days. Im amazed. Night Dila

Edit 1/26/05 Its hard to imangine, I got "dumped" before we were an actual couple TC and I.. This is why I dont get involved in relationships.. Too Much stress... Ugh.. Night Dila

1 spoke